Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
