nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
