meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
