you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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