I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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