How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
