woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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