I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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