i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
