i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I wear drunk well.
The air taste purple.
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