I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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