There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
