bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
