I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
