he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
