Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Randomize
