i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
