Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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