dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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