dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
