he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
