2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
