i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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