my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Just puked most of my soul out..
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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