apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
