Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
