Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
