My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
