i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
