I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
