I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
