No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
