I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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