Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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