Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
