My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
