If i come over, it means nothing
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Randomize
