Her vagina should come with caution tape.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
