I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
