do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
