remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
