We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
nutella sex= disaster
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
