it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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