hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
