I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
