I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
