i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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