God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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