so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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