I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
