My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
